Let me begin by mentioning that many of my future post will probably involve me and my friends intoxicated, although I do get myself in some pickles even when sober. I tend to find my self in situations that I believe regular people couldn’t even make happen if they wanted to.
Many of my friends and family have persistently said that the stories from my daily life are simply hysterical and if I ever made it on any kind of TV I would simply be a national sensation. You’ll grow to love my jokes just as much as I do and not take me so seriously.
But seriously, I do sometimes wish that there would be just a camera following me on a daily basis to catch every little moment. Obviously I would be the only one to review the footage to crop and edit any clips I didn’t want being shown. But there isn’t a camera following me, so I simply will just have to try my best to put into words the following event that occurred only 3 days ago.
It was a fellow friends birthday, the big 2 1 how could we miss it. A couple of friends came over to mine and my flatmates apartment where we begun the night. Surprisingly me and my flat mate, Ellie decided not to drink anything until we got to the first pub.
Have you ever been on public transport and you encounter a group of young people intoxicated on public transport, making complete fools of themselves? Well this was us, i must remind you me and Ellie at this point are completely sober so you can just imagine the sheer embarrassment we were feeling when the train stopped and a rush of people in suits and dresses stormed into the carriage, starring straight at us.
What felt like a never ending journey we arrive at our stop. While the group merrily skip off to the left singing (screeching) and also the wrong direction i begin to get a rage on. My patience was wearing thin and I needed a glass of wine ASAP.
A couple of drinks later I’m almost there, you know THERE. We decide to move on to our next spot, bare in mind it is a Tuesday so not much is crackalacking.
Sophisticated as we are, me and Ellie sit at the table we just nabbed sipping on our wine judging all of our embarrassing drunk friends. It’s not long before both me and Ellie are boozy and all judging turns into appreciation and love for all our friends.
This tall dark, handsome, bearded fella walks in the club, considering there is probably a total of 30 people in the club I gaze at him as we make eye contact for a whole 10 seconds, that was enough thats all I needed. I immediately rush back to Ellie and tell her all about this beautiful soul that I had shared a moment with, time to get to work.
With a POA (plan of action) in mind I set out to nab the man of my dreams. Slight exaggeration, but he was beautiful. Before I get to work… to the bar, me and Ell stand at the bar waiting to be served.
To my surprise, as I turn to look at Ell who’s standing next to her? He is, my bearded target. He begins conversations with the both of us, obviously he’s shy so he didn’t want to just approach me on his own. I simply can not hear a thing the guy is saying, I realise that not only am I partially deaf at this point my mysterious man has an accent. Ell kindly repeats everything he has to say, I smile looking directly into his eyes. Getting Barry brave at this point, I know.
Then shit hits the fan, the only words that I understood from the whole 10 minutes of talking to him were as follows “I’m extremely bad at picking up girls”
I look him straight in the eyes and ask him who is he trying to chat up? I’m confused now, did our gaze mean nothing to him?
I repeat myself as he still had not answered my question.
He slowly raises his hands and picks up the cream pie that happens to be on the bar and smooshes it into my face. BAMM I just got pied. That obviously wasn’t what happened, but is identical to the feeling that I felt after he pointed at my Ell and not me.
I take the rejection like the big girl I am and wonder back to our table were I carry on sipping on our wine. I glance over to the new couple to my surprise they are starring straight back at me, remaining calm and elegant I simply flick the bird at the pair and perform my favourite move, the champagne shower.
Creamed Jane
xoxo
Jane Doe's adventures 